Said I Was Useless…

I’m still here, just wanted to post to say that.

Life is still the same.

Last week, he said  I was useless. Told me to do something useful with my life.

Useless? He decides? And apparently, that is his conclusion.

Interesting.

How would you feel if your husband said that to you? Ever hit you? Slammed you verbally with insults? Can find many negative things to say about you, but nothing positive?

No apology from him, incase you are wondering. No remorse, no thought that he has done or said anything wrong.

Of course, I know that is not true– I know my life is not useless. I firmly believe God has a purpose for me. I find my identity with Christ,  He is using me, and the truth is not what my “spouse” (I can’t even refer to this man as a husband, even though legally he is still that), throws at me in terms of judgment and criticism. I’ve heard it called “verbal vomit”.

He wants the benefits of a marriage relationship, but not the relationship itself.

I’m talking to a counselor, a Christian counselor.

I can’t imagine what a  healthy marriage and relationship must feel like… to feel appreciated instead of criticized, to be loved, instead of disliked, to be encouraged instead of discouraged, to be treated with kindness instead of harshness… to live in freedom to be yourself, and to know that someone else loves you as you are… wants to be with you, know you, cares for you… I am so far removed from this, I cannot even think it in the relationship I am in. I do not see him changing… to be this kind of person.

Even though I can’t say I like this person, it still makes me cry, because  it’s the death of something big. A family is dying, and I’m straining to see any embers of hope. A marriage relationship is near-dead. I cry over my loss. It’s lonely. 98% of the people around me know nothing of what my life is like behind closed doors.

It’s taken me a great deal of time to emotionally recover. I didn’t homeschool this past year (after a long, drawn out battle about this issue), because I needed time to rest and recover. Nobody in my household gets this, of course “he” doesn’t, and my kids are too young to understand this problem (and they don’t need to know all of it, although they live in this house and can clearly see and hear how he treats me). I wish life were different, so my children could witness a “real” loving marriage. Not this fake shallow, hollowed out one. It’s painful, sad… just wrenching. My children deserve better than this.

He refuses counseling. Thinks it is useless. Thinks it is “worldly”.

I’m still learning. I did some research. I’ve learned my situation is not uncommon. My scenario, or profile, as an abused woman, is not so unique. So many out there are like me. I just don’t know who they are. I’m learning how scripture has been misused against me. I’m learning different interpretations, ones that make sense Biblically, and take the whole Bible in context. I’m learning a great deal.

I’m getting stronger, learning how to stand.

Do you wonder what the Bible has to say about remarriage, divorce, and when it is allowed according to the Bible? Here is an excellent article on the subject:

http://www.rbc.org/uploadedfiles/Bible_Study/Discovery_Series/PDF/Gods_Protection_of_Women.pdf

Why do women stay in abusive relationships? Here are seven reasons:

http://johnshore.com/seven-reasons-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-and-how-to-defeat-each-one-of-them/

There’s more, much more. This is just a start.

Do you know what is burning in me? A desire to get the truth out. When I get out of this mess, I’ll have to speak up, to help others. This just can’t keep going on. It’s a problem, it’s in the church, out of the church, everywhere, and the church  needs to learn how to deal with it. I know churches are imperfect (because we are all imperfect people); believe, me, I’ve been there. I’ve gone to the pastor, talked to leadership, etc. And nothing has been done about my situation. I don’t harbor grudges against my pastor or these people; on the contrary, I’ve come to realize that they just don’t know what to do about it. They don’t know how to help women in domestic violence situations. They haven’t been educated or trained. They are doing the best that they know. And I appreciate that.

But women still need help. This problem isn’t going away. Change has to happen. And once I am in a position to help others, I want to do so. I’m not sure what that help will look like. It might involve educating those in my church, as a first step. It might mean blogging about it. It might mean writing about it, and offering ways to help women through my writing. Maybe one day I’ll be in a position to be a safe haven for someone else. I don’t know how God will use me. It remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: I cannot be silent. any. longer.

Ugh! I want to cry out and yell and proclaim to the world! I don’t want my daughter to end up like me, and this to perpetuate for another generation! My soul and heart cry out to my Abba Father to help me!! Provide a way for me! Open the sea like you did for the Israelite slaves! My heart is held captive, in slavery, by one who is hard-hearted, wounds me, and slays me with his tongue and anger… I endure spiritual, verbal, and emotional abuse…and sometimes physical abuse! I am tired but not crushed, and I am rising up and seeking to be free!

How can this all end?  There is tragedy in staying and him not changing; and there is tragedy in divorce. What in the world am I supposed to do, God? Unless he changes! I don’t know how realistically that is possible? How can a man who thinks of women as subordinate change? He doesn’t see me as an equal heir before God! He has said so, I’m subordinate, I’m not equal, I’m to submit… and he says I have no right to divorce because there has not been sexual infidelity on his end. Well… he forgot about the years of lustful thoughts he confessed to, which he now says he’s “over”. Who knows, for sure?

People in church who are divorced are looked down upon; the church  must take the most conservative stance; and under no circumstance should divorce be permitted. Doesn’t matter if she is being abused, or not. No case exists. Is this Biblical? Is this what the church has come down to: law? Again, read the first document above (and then the second link), which explains it better than I can. It is over 30 pages long, but WELL WORTH THE READ. PLEASE READ IT.

You may have a friend who needs you. A sister. A daughter. A neighbor. Know. Learn. Help. Be there. Don’t turn a deaf ear and pretend it isn’t as bad as that. It is bad. She needs you. She needs a friend.

I’m still walking this road. Friends are greatly needed on this road. Be a friend to someone you know, or may suspect, is in trouble, or in an abusive relationship. The church cannot be silent. Wake up, church! Your women are hurting. Will you stay silent?

Believe Her

Has anything changed? He has not changed. I guess I had been looking for a “Saul-Paul” type blinding experience. Some people do come to the end of their rope and then fall to their knees. I guess I thought it might happen. But it has not, and it may not. I don’t know if it ever will. It doesn’t look like it. So far he has rejected all notions of truth that have come his way. I don’t know how long I can keep fighting. I feel as if I’m pulling out all the stops, I’m doing all I can. He’d rather leave things as they are, of course, and why wouldn’t he? When you’re the abuser, you have the upper hand, you have the control, and you just want to maintain the status quo.

But I don’t. I can’t. I won’t. As the “abusee” (am I making up a new word here?), I am faithfully heading toward the last avenues for repair and restoration. If he chooses not to acknowledge or recognize his mistakes, and fails to make restitution, and fails to make a long-term plan, I don’t think I can truly stay. How can I knowingly spend the rest of my life with a man who refuses to acknowledge himself as an abuser and does nothing to change himself? It is like any other addiction. There is denial, and there needs to be true confession, and a desire to change, and concrete steps toward that end. He is still in denial.

I’ve prayed a lot. I’ve thought a lot. And, I know, that even in the cases of abuse, there are many church people who would condemn me. ME. Condemn ME, not him. Isn’t that ironic and unjust? But I’ve seen it happen before. It happens all the time. A woman, an abused woman, is often victimized all over again because people don’t believe her and blame HER. I shouldn’t think my case will be any different. Especially in church, where the abusive man is often friendly, calm, charming– no one can imagine that this person can be any different behind closed doors. They just cannot imagine it. They’d rather cling to their teachings on divorce than look an abused woman in her eyes and see her pain. Jesus taught over and over again that the law of love was higher than any other; it was ok to heal someone on the Sabbath, because that person needed healing. Relationship matters more than rules. We don’t ignore the rules, but the rules don’t become our god, as they did for the Pharisees. So church people, including my husband, hold religiously to the teachings on divorce, even in cases of abuse. Does Jesus want these women to stay and be abused?

But if you ask a woman who lives in an abusive situation… you’ll hear the truth. BELIEVE HER.

The first thing to do, if a woman comes to you and says she is being abused, is to BELIEVE HER. You MUST BELIEVE HER. That is step number ONE. More than likely, by the time she even comes to you, it has been going on for a long time.

That was true for me. By the time I finally shared the dirty little secret, I had been living in that trauma for a very long time. And I woke up one day, and realized I was living in some kind of crazy  pattern (I later learned it was called the cycle of violence). I realized I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. It felt like a death sentence.

I read an article in the paper today of a woman married to a police officer. She called 911. The officers who came to her house didn’t even file a report. There was a cover-up. A judge later refused to grant the restraining order. His gun was not taken away. He claims he was nice to her. She was victimized all over again by the judge. Finally she is getting some justice, but not enough, and too late. Cops protecting a fellow cop, when a woman is being abused?? Oh, come on, police officers, defenders of justice, the oppressed, the truth? You were protecting a criminal! By all accounts, if her husband had not been a cop, your response would have been different. You chose to believe him, instead of the one whom you were called on to help and protect. How sad.

There were two articles in the past week of two domestic homicides. Men, killing women.

People don’t believe it. They don’t want to help, or just don’t know how. People tend to run away. People would just rather not have to deal with it. After all, it happens “over there”. Well, let me tell you, I have two masters degrees. It doesn’t happen to the poor and uneducated. It happens everywhere. And to anyone.

This is a sad, serious thing, folks. Take us seriously. We are not liars. We are not scorned women. We are just women, believing and trusting that a man who promised to love us, would do just that. But instead, we were deceived and he tried to control us, pull us under, hurt instead of love.

I felt like I was dying. If he wanted to subdue my voice, how much more it would have taken for him to just stifle my voice forever?

As a woman, and as his wife, as he told me, his view is that I should do whatever he says, without question. That is “submitting” in his view. He doesn’t care an iota about me, truly, as a person. It doesn’t matter to him. Just “obey” and “submit” and follow the “letter of the law”. That is what he cares about. Himself. He has a couple of little idols he worships, and one of them is himself.

Of course, he sees himself as a very nice person. He certainly doesn’t see himself for the abuser that he is. Everyone else is wrong, except him.

The counselor was wrong. Apparently the counselor was a “feminist”. (laughable)

The elder from our church was also wrong.

The pastor didn’t preach a complete sermon when he preached on the scripture for husbands to love their wives. (my husband confronted the pastor and wanted to know why the pastor didn’t preach about women submitting? Oh man, this is the man I married. How could I be so blind?)

So all of those people are wrong. And he is right. Of course, I have always been wrong, according to him.

I’ve talked to a few of my friends. None of them have marriages like this. None of them are married to abusive men, so that right there explains a lot. These man respect women. They don’t treat them badly, they don’t yell, they don’t yell at them or insult them. They have a mutual loving relationship. These men and women– they try to agree. And one won’t do something if the other disagrees, and they try to find a common ground. There is love, commonality, mutuality… there is a desire to know the other person. There is not the desire to control.

It is not possible to have a reasonable discussion with an abusive person. The abusive person is trying to control the other person. He wants to have control.  His view of a marriage relationship is one of superior/inferior. He doesn’t see his wife as an equal to him. He sees himself as above. His mindset is different.

Thank you, God, I’ve woken up to the lies and to the cycle. Yes, I’m still here, living it. But I’m doing something about it. I know the right thing to do is present the truth to him and see if he will change. If he does not, then I have my answer. So far, nothing. He denies any wrongdoing and points his fingers at me. How much longer will I be staying here with his fingers pointing at me? How much longer? It seems crazy when I write it down, that I’m still here, after all the denying he’s done already, after all the efforts that have gone into speaking truth to him. Still, nothing.

I am not inferior. According to God, I am equally loved and equally an heir. God has a plan for me. He says I am not a failure. He says I am wonderfully and beautifully made. He sees me from the inside out. This is the opposite of what my husband says and how he treats me. I don’t believe the lies that he tries to throw in my direction– that I’m a failure, that I’m spiritually immature, and he is much more spiritually mature than I and so much other hogwash he’s thrown my way. He’s been emotionally abusive. Spiritually abusive. Verbally abusive. People understand physical abuse. But they don’t understand how devastating verbal and emotional abuse can be, how it can take longer to heal from. I’m not minimizing the physical abuse. I’ve been there, too, but people truly don’t understand the true nature of verbal abuse. It is deeply scarring and painful. It hurts the person, and tries to define that person, as if trying to change her/his identity. It is deeply wounding. If only the emotional wounds could be seen– then there would be great understanding and no hesitation on what should be done. No one would be telling me… “just hang in there… a little longer….”

You know, even though I’ve been through so much pain already, it still hurts. It hurts to be so alone. It hurts not to be loved. The death of a dream, over years of my life,  over the fact I was led astray, so many things… I’m still grieving over.

I pray for strength and courage. I pray that God protects me, with a special armor that lets his words and insults, and all of his emotional and spiritual abuse, to just roll right off of me.